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Can you help me deal with my dad’s embarrassing game behavior?
I play middle school basketball and my dad has been has been going crazy lately. He yells at me from the stands during games and gets in arguments with opposing parents and the officials. My teammates have even started to say things about him. It’s embarrassing and I don’t know what to do. Can you help?
- Jason
You are in a tough situation Jason and I don’t have any magic answer that will solve things for you. However, I will try to give you some options to consider.First, recognize that things are not all bad. Your dad cares about you and is involved in your life. A lot of kids don’t have that. So even though you don’t like the way he is behaving, recognize that he is doing it out of love and caring for you. Besides he probably finds it hard watching you compete and gets too excited and does not realize the negative effects it is having on you. Yelling and arguing with people can’t be a lot of fun for your dad as well.
This does not mean that your dad’s approach is the right one or that it is not embarrassing to have your dad constantly yelling at you and getting in arguments with opposing parents and the officials. I imagine it is pretty distracting and makes it hard to concentrate too.
One thing you might want to do is talk to your coach. Tell your coach that you love your dad but find it hard to concentrate when he is constantly yelling at you and that you get embarrassed when he gets in arguments with other parents and the officials. Your coach might be able to give a general reminder to all the parents about appropriate behavior in the stands and keeping things in perspective. Or if your coach knows your dad maybe he can talk with him individually about the situation.
Another option would be for you to talk directly to your dad about the situation. For most kids in your situation this is hard to do. So wait until you are away from the gym and in a relaxed setting to talk to him. Also be sure to be very respectful – don’t yell, talk back, or sass him in anyway. That goes for your body language as well—make sure that you don’t unknowingly roll your eyes as he speaks and be careful to talk in a calm and relaxed tone. You might ask for his advice and say something like “Dad, I need your help? When I am playing I am having trouble concentrating. It’s hard to stay focused out there because I am trying to listen to you and play at the same time. What makes it even worse is that I worry about letting you down and that makes me screw up even more? What should I do? Not only am I messing up, but playing isn’t much fun anymore.”
Or if you’re not comfortable talking to your dad about this, let your mom or another adult in the family (grandparent) know what is going on. Maybe they can mention something to your dad.
Leaving this website so that your dad can look at it is another option you might try. I have changed your name and sport so no one will know who you are.Finally, someday when you are an adult and have or coach your own kids, remember how you feel right now. Be sensitive to the young athletes’ feelings. Recognize that adults need to provide young athletes with honest feedback and instruction, but in a positive nondestructive manner.
Daniel Gould, Ph.D.
Director, Institute for the Study of Youth Sports
