Ask the Experts

What can I do to stop becoming so nervous when watching my child compete?

Being a sport parent is no easy task. In fact, I recently attended the City Swim Association Championships and saw some nervous looking parents. Most looked on with laser-like intensity biting their lips as their child swam their hearts out while others contorted their bodies in all sorts of ways as their child swam.

It is not unusual for parents to become nervous watching their children compete. Why? Because we love our kids, want the best for them, and want to protect them no matter what their age. It’s also pretty hard not to live a little through our children—if they do well on the field or in the pool, we feel pretty successful as a parent. If not, we may not feel so good. When they are competing we also have no control over the outcome of the contest and cannot help them. Finally, we often experience maximum uncertainty as we have no idea as to how things turn out.

So, what can we do to better relax and enjoy the sport experience with our child? First, learn more about the sport, the rules, and what it takes to perform well. That way you will form realistic expectations and better know what to expect and understand how things will unfold during the contest.

Second, remind yourself that your child is playing sports—not having a major operation or facing a severe illness. Sure, it is important to him or her and should be. However, in the bigger scheme of things it is still just a game. So don’t make it bigger than it really is!

You also need to realize that mistakes and losses are part of sport. They are not the end-of-the world and, in fact, are an important link in the improvement process. So have a plan for helping your child deal with mistakes and losses. Be positive and encouraging, in a sincere and honest manner. In addition, emphasize that tomorrow is another day and a loss or mistake is water under the bridge. Children need to learn from the experience and figure out how to improve (often by comparing their current performance to their own previous performance versus solely focusing on comparisons with others). Lastly, give them a little space if they are frustrated, but at an opportune time emphasize the need to learn from the experience and move on.

You can also take comfort in the fact that kids are quite resilient. They might be upset and even cry one minute, but usually they will get over it a few minutes later. In fact, they often deal with negative events more quickly than we do.

Reminding yourself that the score of some athletic contest does not judge the quality of your parenting is also important. Quality parenting involves spending quality time with your children, laughing with them, crying with them and, most importantly, instructing them on how to effectively deal with what life throws at them.

Finally, remember that for every winner on the scoreboard there are far more children who don’t place first. This does not mean that they cannot reap the benefits of sports participation—fun, physical, emotional and social development. They can and do, so enjoy the ride. Our children grow up much too fast and you want them to remember the great times with you, just as much and more than any game scores. And both of you will enjoy the experience more if you can relax.

Daniel Gould, Ph.D.
Director, Institute for the Study of Youth Sports

© 2010, Michigan State University Board of Trustees. East Lansing, MI 48824
MSU is an affirmative-action, equal-opportunity employer.